Black Women & Patriarchal Relationship Advice

A lot of the relationship advice directed towards Black women is quite frankly scary.

Unfortunately, I'm not just referencing "relationship help gurus" such as Steve Harvey and Tyrese. I'm also talking about the advice you'll get from your mom's best friend, your auntie, your older cousin, and the well-meaning ladies in the church.

I find the advice given to Black women particularly discouraging in light of the fact that Black women deal with some of the highest rates of intimate partner violence and sexual assault. So you'd think we'd have created and sustained enlightening advice that supports our self-determination and physical and emotional health. But instead the intent of most given advice is towards pleasing and subordinating ourselves to (Black) men.

Road Trip while Black: Running into White Vigilantes

I have to share the story of what happened to me this past weekend. Fortunately, I was with friends when the situation happened.

When They Say: "If She Does X is She a Ho?"

Not too long ago I was talking about what I've come to call "modesty culture" (a topic I wrote about extensively in my "On Rihanna Teaching Me to Say No to Modesty Culture" piece). As I said in that piece, clothing choices are only one aspect of patriarchal control of women's bodies. Sexuality is a major component. I see this in no more succinct terms than when somebody asks: "If she does X is she a ho?"

"We're All Black" Is Not the End of the Conversation!

I see it all the time. When an issue comes up within the Black community that highlights intra-group oppression somebody inevitably says: "At the end of the day we're all Black!" to end the conversation. Another popular line is that "Whites see us all the same!"

Not only is it NOT true that whites see us all the same. But more importantly, it's true that we don't even see each other in the same way. Intra-group oppression exists and is real. Colorism, heterosexism, transphobia, classism, and sexism are real in our communities and it impacts the way we navigate our lives.

On Rihanna Teaching Me to Say No to Modesty Culture

I immediately fell in love with Rihanna's outfit for this year's CFDA Fashion Awards! I do not know much about fashion but the outfit reminded me of the 1920s. It heralded back to Josephine Baker.

I also loved her acceptance speech for the "Style Icon Award" where she spoke about the meaning of fashion to her life. She talked about how she used fashion as a buffer against the meanness of others, as a way to elevate her confidence and feel good about herself.

Rihanna was sending a message to women that extends far beyond the realm of fashion. She was speaking to the importance of self-defining and doing what it takes to feel worthy and confident and not asking for permission to do so. This is directly in contrast with modesty culture and patriarchy derived male entitlement.

The Paradox of Being a Low Income Black College Graduate

I graduated from college three weeks ago. (That's me in the picture!)

I know that I am experiencing a barrage of emotions and thoughts. I know that one of those feelings is annoyance.

I am annoyed by the two emerging hegemonic conceptions of college.

There's the idea that college is the great equalizer and the ticket for anybody (regardless of initial socioeconomic class or race) to have access to the middle class. Then there are those who argue that college is no longer worth the money and time and college graduates are in an awful position and would have been better off never going.

The fact is that neither of these positions are correct. At least not for college grads like myself.

On The Importance of Celebrating Revolutionary Sisterhood

I've learned many important lessons from my mother. One really important lesson I've learned is the importance of having strong relationships with other women.

As a young, single hetero woman I've often romanticized the idea of being a wife and mother. And yet, I've grown up witnessing my mother's close friendships with other women from the sidelines and I've seen how those friendships have sustained her in ways that being a mother or wife doesn't always.